BFFs

Up until this time, it had never happened to me.  But here it was, 100% verifiable, mathematical certitude about a huge life’s decision.  I imagined that Albert Einstein must have felt the same way when the elaborate chalk etchings on his black board kept coming out to “e =mc2.”  You see, no matter which way I worked the equation of my life, the product at the end kept coming out the same:  “Tom & Lisa; Tom & Lisa; Tom & Lisa.”  

I understand that it took a few years for the community of astrophysicists to share in the enthusiasm of Einstein’s “Eureka!” moment.  Like those skeptical scientists, it took her two years longer than me to arrive at the conclusion that the molecules of our lives were destined to form a compound.  

Once Lisa came around, there was no need for much more research.  We had been good friends for three years.  Within a short period of time we were affianced.  We were moving toward marital bliss at the speed of light…until….

When the clock showed that we were T minus four months until launch time, our marriage countdown hit a glitch.  Over the last year, a respected colleague had agreed to work on an idea of mine.  Collaborating with an intelligent, attractive woman, whom I had admired for years, was deeply satisfying and affirming.  The problem was, that it was beginning to feel just a little too satisfying and affirming.  

I was noticing that, more and more of my workday was beginning to revolve around my meetings with this colleague.  When I became aware of the gravitational pull this relationship was exerting, I decided to share this unprocessed piece of chaos with my fiance.   Despite utilizing all of the best graduate school recommended communication techniques that tuition could buy, I only succeeded in inviting Lisa to a prolonged session of freaking out with me.    

Later that weekend, in the midst of a friend’s bachelor’s party, I let a couple of married buddies in on the chaos.  In the middle of a party, an impromptu support group popped up.  It began with a knowing kind of compassion.  After normalizing the feelings, I think it was Andy who said,  “It’s what you do with those feelings that matters.”

After a series of questions, and several kicks to my backside, my course of action was crystal clear.  I had to limit my time with this colleague to exactly what it took to get the project done.  I then made a resolution that has served me well through the course of my marriage.  I would make a regular practice of sharing at a deep level with trusted and wise male friends.

This Sunday, an ancient story will be told in mainline Christian churches across the world.  It is the story of a woman caught up and then simply caught in adultery (John 8: 1-11).  The men who apprehended her were decidedly different than the guys I spoke with at the bachelor’s party.  Rather than providing this woman a community of support, they provided her a pop-up circle of condemnation.  Jesus represented another approach approximated by my friends on that night twenty-eight years ago.  In his disarming words, this woman simultaneously encountered non-condemning care and solid wisdom.  “Neither do I condemn you. Go now and avoid this sin” (verse 11).

In this short passage, a woman’s worst secrets were exposed.  The paparazzi flung the door open on her deepest shame.  But when she was brought before the centered/grounded itinerant preacher, brutality was replaced by compassion.  What was hidden in the darkness of shame and then condemnation was now placed before the Light.  As a psychotherapist, I know that, among the tools at my disposal, the most potent ingredient I have to offer is what Carl Roger’s used to call “unconditional positive regard” (i.e. non-judgemental love).  In a context of warm care, a client who is tangled up in some problem can begin to explore how they got into this mess, and how they might get out of it.  

Similarly, with mathematical certitude I know this.  Deep disclosive friendships with wise people keep a man or woman on course and keep them from doing dumb things like blowing up a chance to be married to a woman who is destined to raise three kids with you, and love you until the day you die.  

Who are the people in your life who you really allow to know you?  Who has the permission to simultaneously see the worst in you, and therefore, call out the best in you?  Are you willing to act with courage?  Could this be the time for you to take a risk, and let yourself be known?  Is it time to deepen a friendship so that you can more intelligently and decisively become whom you are called to be?  

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