I can’t think of another time when my morning newspaper set me to laughing and cheering out loud—several times! That’s just what happened this week when I read Jancee Dunn’s essay, Eight Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner, According to Therapists (a reprint of an article originally published in the “Well” section of NY Times Dec. 1, 2023). I imagined myself part of a far-flung chorus of Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) colleagues across the country amening Dunn point by point!
Inspired by her work, I thought I’d create my own least favorite phrases uttered by couples in my office. After applying a thick coat of White Out over the top of each one, I’ll provide alternative suggestions that I’ve been teaching couples over the years. You’ll notice that my “Relationship Busters” list is divided into sub-categories to highlight their impact upon both couples, and the therapists that they pay. Which brings me to the first category.
The Relationship Busters
- MOST TEDIOUS PHRASE
“I never said that!” Or its sister phrase, “That’s not what you said!”
When relationships fall into this circular pattern of “No I didn’t say that”…and “Oh, yes you did”… a kind of hypnosis descends, paralyzing the ability to interact productively. Next comes the well-rehearsed spiral that makes every therapist I know want to scream, “Boring! Wake me up when this is over!”
Try this instead:
Here’s a life raft for couples who get sucked into this kind of communication whirlpool: “It sounds like I wasn’t as clear as I thought. Can I tell you what I intended to get across?” This approach is more likely to pull the conversation into the here and now where it belongs.
- THE FREUDIAN SLIP
“I’m not trying to be mean, but….” Or “This isn’t meant to sound harsh, but…”
You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to translate this unconscious message. Here’s how a therapist hears it. “My self-image won’t let me consciously be mean to somebody on purpose, but I’m planning on being mean to you on purpose! Right now!” You’ll find phrases similar to these sprinkled throughout the list of scenarios in, “And Then the Fight Started.”
Try this instead:
When you hear this phrase rumbling out of the garage doors of your vocal folds, put on the breaks! Back it up! Soften the front end of your difficult feedback with kindness and care. Remember the truism that the first 3% of a conflict will dictate the next 97% of what will happen next. Alternately. Just get quiet and save this conversation for another day when you’ve thought it through better.
- THE INVITATION TO A FIGHT
“You mad at me?” Or “Why you mad at me?”
This phrase reminds me of a lick from an old Blues song, “What did I say to piss you off this time baby? (Willie Mabon, I Don’t Know, 1952 made famous in The Blues Brothers Movie, 1978) It inevitably leads to denials or exasperation.
Try this instead:
“Think I’m noticing some distance here….You feeling that too?” This alternate phrase has the effect of inviting your spouse to stand shoulder-to-shoulder to have a shared look at something. It reframes the conversation from a him thing to an us thing.
- POURING GAS ON THE FIRE
“You need to calm down.” Want to know what your spouse hears when you say that? “Get a grip!” In other words, the thing that has risen to the level of truly upsetting them is getting minimized, and reframed as a problem with their over-emotionality. Fire meets gas!
Try this instead:
- If Emotional Intensity is at a “6”—“Help me understand this better.” Then listen.
- Emotional Intensity at a “7” or “8”—“I want to hear all about this, just not in this way!”
(Delivered with emotional intensity and volume on the first phrase, then a pause, and softening tone, and slower speed on the second phrase. Rinse and repeat as needed).
- Emotional Intensity at a “9” or above—Too much reactivity for any communication. Breath. De-escalate as best you can.
Be sure your non-verbals communicate care and profound interest.
- KICKING UP SILT
“I just can’t get anything right!” or “I guess I’m just really an asshole!” When a crawdad feels threatened, she’ll take her tail and kick up a cloud of silt off the bottom of the creek. Octopuses do that with their ink. Phrases in this category serve the same purpose. The complaint gets lost in an emotionally charged generalization. Voila! The original issue disappears along with any accountability or opportunity to grow!
Try this instead:
“This is a really hard topic for me…” ideally, “How would you like to see me do that differently?” If this is a common happening for you, consider hiring somebody in my line of work to sort it.
- MINIMIZING YOUR POINT BY MAXIMIZING IT
“You always…” Or “You never…” Paradoxically, absolutizing your complaint usually results in a partner tuning your message out. Here’s my family’s tried and true response to an “always…, or “never…” statement: “When you say “always,” or “never,” you’re almost always wrong!”
Try this instead:
- “You frequently…(here say the undesirable thing you don’t like).” …or…
- “Each time you do… (here say the thing you don’t like)…I feel…(here say the negative impact it has on you). Be prepared to give examples. If that sounds too counselor-ish, try this…
- “You do this way too much…I wish you’d quit it!”
Dialogue
None of these suggestions have the slightest chance of working if you haven’t developed techniques to soothe your heart down on-the-fly. Have you perfected any self-soothing techniques that help you in these circumstances?
Have you ever caught yourself using one of the uncorrected phrases from any of the categories in this essay? What did you do to help yourself change?
Are there any bad communication habits you still catch yourself falling into? What’s your best guess as to what makes you do that?
Are you currently in a relationship where any of these phrases is used by your partner? Discuss and/or rehearse potentially viable ways to address these.
Are you in any other relationships where someone significant to you engages in unhelpful communication patterns (boss, employee, kids, parent, close friend)? How have you responded? What would you like to try having studied the suggestions in this essay?