
“COME closer to me. Push close and take the best I possess, Yield closer and closer and give me the best you possess.”
(Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass)
Leo Tolstoy began his novel, Anna Karenina, with the famous line, “Happy Families are all alike, every unhappy family is miserable in its own way.” Having counseled hundreds of couples over the years, having grown up in a family with parents who were profoundly disappointed with one another and their marriage, I am an eye witness telling you that Leo had it exactly backwards. Unhappy marriages are boringly predictable. If you’ve lived in one of these sad, miserable households, you don’t need a Ph.D. to know where things are headed. One miserable interaction begets the next miserable interaction until a kind of choreographed dance emerges…one step leading to the predicable next step…which eventually leads to a downward spiral where even the solutions become part of the problem. The family I came from was anything but unique: the defensive justifications…eventually, the quiet tension with its intermittent open conflicts. There’s a monotony to unhappy marriages: “Oh yes you did say that!” “Oh no I most certainly did not!” Boringly predictable!
By way of contrast, in the virtuous cycle of happy marriages and happy families, one creative act has a way of leading to another. Affection gives way to more affection. Creative actions beget creativity. Paradoxically this leads to both a secure predictability, as well as a sparkling and surprising unpredictability. In this rich soil, spouses and their children tend to become more uniquely who they are…who they were meant to be.
I’ll never forget one of my dissertational research interviews with my subjects Juan and Maria. They were stand-out examples of the second kind of marriage just described. Despite the crushing demands of medical residency, you could almost touch, see, and smell the resilience and happiness in their household. In response to my first question, “Who do you think of when you think of an “ideal” marriage?” Without hesitation, Juan responded, “My marriage. I think of my marriage, and our family!” Twenty-five years later, I can’t tell you how proud and blessed I feel to echo those same words about my own marriage and family. It’s a blessing I’ve worked hard to receive!
This Sunday, my launched children and their significant others, including my new son-in-law, will head back up to our old summer stomping grounds near Charlevoix, Michigan. There, we will engage in a yearly summertime ritual that I believe has strengthened the bones of our resilient/happy family over the years. I share it with you in the hopes that you can tailor it to the circumstances in your own life to enhance a friendship, a marriage, or a family. Please pass it along to anybody you think could benefit. See what you think.
A Once-a-Year Ritual to Deepen Resilience, Happiness, and Love
Step One:
We gather in a quiet, secluded place free of interruptions. Each person is provided paper and a pen. For twenty minutes to a half-an-hour everyone quietly works on their own. We’re busy contemplating each family member one-at-a-time. The first writing prompt? “What gifts or new growth have I seen in this family member over the last year?” The second prompt? “What is something for which I’d like to ask forgiveness from this person?”
Step Two:
Starting with the youngest, each of us shares what we have written. For example, Lizzie, my youngest, starts in the receiving position. John Harry, my middle child, will discuss his reflections with Lizzie, and she’ll respond to him. Next, my oldest, Annalise will take her turn sharing with her youngest sibling, followed by Matt, Lisa and then me. When we’ve all shared with Lizzie, and she has responded, then we move to John Harry in the receiving position. The ritual ends when everyone has taken their turn. Since I’m oldest, I go last.
Step Three:
At the end, we usually circle up and conclude with some kind of prayer, and a hug.
Making That Recipe Your Own
Given the uniqueness of your family, your community, or your fellowship, I encourage you to change up this recipe. When my kids were small, we used poster board and markers, drawing pictures of what we wanted to say to each other. One year, we created “Family Goals.” Some years, we revisit those goals to see if the changing morphology of our family or family circumstances requires a change in that formula.
A note of warning: as you might imagine, it’s common for families to resist new ideas like this—especially families with school-aged, or adolescent members. If you’ll be introducing this into such a gathering, see if you can get support ahead of time from a spouse, or powerful family member. See if you can structure something into it that could make it fun for your participants (i.e. food, beverages, a reward at the end, a light touch in explaining it).
Dialogue
Who do you think of when you think of the opposite of a happy marriage or family? If you are not comfortable naming names, simply picture that couple or family, and describe the traits and behaviors that serve as negative examples for you.
Who do you think of when you think of a happy/resilient marriage or family? Describe the behaviors and traits that you would like to emulate in your family relationships or friendships.
Over the last year, what is the growth you have seen in yourself? For what are you sorry? What do you want to do with this new growth? What do you want to do with this sorrow to clear it?
With whom would you most want to engage in this ritual? Who would be most receptive to it? What kind of support would you need in order to make this work?