2 Replies to “Self Repair”

  1. Thank you, Tom for this video, and for your work in helping us through this in general.

    On the last point, one observation is that establishing and enforcing those boundaries requires strength — perhaps more strength than one has on a particular day. Especially if that strength has been diminished by the injury that occurred. On those days, the third model of forgiveness may look a lot like the second — if I don’t trust that I have the strength to enforce them gracefully, then it might be better that we stay apart. As time goes on, hopefully those days become fewer and father between.

    A trap I can be tempted to is to believe that I “should” be strong enough to enforce these boundaries, and if I’m not, it is a failure of character for me. Which I think goes to the beginning of the talk about the importance of honoring the anger phase and not rushing through or around it.

    1. John,

      Thanks so much for your comment and for being part of the conversation. I especially liked your insight on avoiding negative self-critique because the strength to enforce boundaries is slow in coming. Paradoxically, and perniciously, I’ve found that people who have suffered harm have a tendency to blame themselves for the harm someone has visited upon them. It is a therapeutic victory to allow the object of anger to be the one who perpetrated the harm.

      It is hard to get nuance into a twelve minute video. Your words provide an important nuance that may help someone drop their needless shame. Thanks for catching this and calling it out. Thanks for the generosity in sharing. I hope you stay part of this conversation!

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